i’m mary

I used to be obsessed with the gym and the hustle, and I thought I was a healthy, successful woman. But the chronic stress, poor diet, overtraining, always cutting and bulking, and embodying nothing but masculine energy for so long eventually caught up to me.

All it took was 1 major event to change the course of my life.

And that was getting sick. I’m talking Big Sick®.

While there was a covid epidemic going on in 2021, there was also a viral meningitis one too, and I happened to catch both. I was dealing with long covid symptoms, from chronic fatigue and brain fog, to leaky gut, food intolerances and acne. I also had inflammation in the nervous system from meningitis. I spent two months recovering from it.

Instead of taking things slow as I got back into normal life, I went 0 to 100 real quick instead. So I spent the next year dealing with persistent chronic health issues. The biggest problem of all though…was that I was in denial about how bad my health had gotten. My mum, and so many others in my life told me I needed to slow down, I needed to give my body time to heal, work less, train less, eat more.

What did I do? The exact opposite of that of course!

My career was booming. I was making more money than I ever had. My body was looking the best it ever had. I started blowing up on TikTok. I couldn’t stop now. No way. 

So I ignored my problems, and truly convinced myself that I wasn’t doing ‘too much.’

Said the girl who was eating 1500 calories (with only 40 grams of fat) to shed the meningitis weight. The girl training to failure four times a week. The girl hitting 12-15 000 steps a day. The girl working deeply for 8+ hours a day.  The girl waking up at 5am every day even though she needed more sleep. The girl suffering from severe PMS and PMDD every month.

I was in a cycle of yo-yo dieting and chronic stress. I’d do a calorie deficit for a month, but then eventually the fatigue would get so bad, and my weight would barely drop because I was so puffy and inflamed all the time, and I just couldn’t keep the deficit going. I remember being so dissociated from my body that I would be lightheaded, dizzy, nauseas, couldn’t even see what I was doing, yet still performing a heavy RDL or squat. I’d be hitting my ridiculously high step count a day in the peak heat and almost faint several times, but tell myself to just ‘keep going,’ ‘just one more lap’…then proceed to vegetate in my bed for the rest of the day. 

Once I did a powerlifting testing day, where you test your 1RMs (1 rep max) and although I performed really well, I ended up in bed recovering for THREE days afterwards, and the left half of my face went numb and started twitching. 

That was when I hit rock bottom. I knew what that meant…I was developing Bell’s Palsy – where half of your face droops down like Sylvester Stallone. It’s a nerve disease.

I remember crying out to God asking ‘why?!’ ‘Have I not suffered enough?!’ ‘How much longer is this going to go on for?’

I knew I had to make a very hard decision that day. Enough was enough. I’d gotten sick 18 months ago, but now was actually WORSE than the beginning. I’d gained weight, failed 3 or 4 calorie deficits, couldn’t sustain the amount of work I was doing and clients I was taking on, and I was sick of my body being so unpredictable and unwell.

So I went dark.

I stopped posting online, taking on new clients, stopped training, and started doing lots of research and enrolling in functional med courses and academies, and working with naturopaths and learning from the best holistic coaches.

I stopped counting macros and started eating a high fat diet. My diet revolved around red meat, quality dairy, fatty wild caught fish, lots of quality carbs (fruit, potato, rice, etc.) and started taking supplements that nourished my nervous system, hormones and mitochondria. I started sleeping…a lot! I was sleeping 10-12 hours a night. I was working 2-3 hours a day. I started reading. Going for light walks, although most days I wouldn’t move at all. 

Within 8 weeks, my skin cleared up. My anxiety disappeared. My periods were no longer heavy and super painful. My emotions were stabilized.  I was able to go for walks without nearly passing out. I started training again, and could get through a workout without feeling sick or recovering for the rest of the day. Albeit, my workouts were SO much more chill in comparison to what I used to do. I could get through a whole day and feel…fine? 

But the true change didn’t really kick in until I was tested.

Once I started feeling normal again, I was very tempted to go back to my original wiring and hustle and grind as I always had. And so began another year of trying to find balance in my life. I failed many times. I’d accidentally go too hard with my training (yes I had to learn to train LESS hard, a very unique problem I know), and cop the consequences of not being able to train for the rest of the week. I’d work too much during my luteal phase, and get a bad period. I’d ignore my body’s signals telling me it was tired at the 7000 step mark, and push to 10 000 and then not be able to do much else for the rest of the day. I’d restrict calories too much for a week, then eat them back the next week.

It took me another year to rewire my brain and old ways of doing things. It took me a year of ZERO calorie deficits and unlimited food to truly heal (I was eating very good quality food mind you). I needed to gain weight…and I gained around 7 kilograms over that year, slowly and steadily. Throughout the season of testing, I was blessed to be able to find my self worth outside of achievements. I learned how to embrace my femininity, my child self who is okay to just play and be creative and stay up late with loved ones laughing, even if it meant not waking up early the next day to work. I learned how to rely on something greater than me instead of being the ‘independent woman don’t need no one’ archetype. I was humbled. I started prioritizing my home and relationships and creativity. I found true peace and self worth and acceptance for the first time in my life, even though my life was ‘the worst’ it had been on paper according to society’s standards – a quiet time in business, I was at my heaviest, I’d lost heaps of muscle & fitness, I wasn’t “killing” the game.

But I was the happiest I’d ever been.

And now, years after my healing journey, I have built trust within my body again. It’s reliable and predictable, because I can read it well and I understand its needs. I work hard at times, but I also chill a lot. I take on just the right amount of clients. My training progress is slower than it used to be, but far more enjoyable and sustainable, because I honor and respect my body more than I care about how it looks and performs. I eat lots of omega 3 rich fats, and quality proteins, and heaps of carbs, and fun foods in moderation. I sleep as long as I need. My aura has changed. I am the most confident and self assured version of myself to date. I am truly glowing from within.